Sometimes I try to talk and the words just don’t come out. They stick in my throat and hide there stubbornly like a small child not wishing to take the step into the great beyond. So I don’t say these important things, and its a hard lesson to learn when you lose something that was important to you because you were too proud to tell the truth, or too scared to admit that you aren’t actually OK all of the time. So in trying to maintain this pretence you snap and say things that you would never say. It’s like being the King of the castle and trying to maintain all the perimeters, protect the boundaries from rogues and bandits. But it’s not much fun being in a big old castle by yourself, is it?
“Honesty is the best policy” they say. “The truth will set you free”. But pride is a powerful thing, and I personally find it much easier to pretend that I am fine by myself, that I can cope perfectly without letting myself need to rely on anyone else.
But every now and then you meet people who you should be truthful with from the start. That you are a bit fragile, that you need a shoulder to lean against and that in your mind the perfect storm is brewing. You lay little barriers and they jump them with ease, and you start to think that maybe that person will hold your hand when you are troubled and rub the stress from your shoulders without you even having to ask.
Its funny, but in real life I am fiercely proud and hate to show anything to anyone other than “I’ll survive, you know me, I’m fine!!” but the words flow from my fingers like the barrier doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s because you can’t see my face when I write, or that you can’t put a voice to the words, but I find a catharsis in writing my feelings down. My Mum says that when she reads this she sometimes is surprised that it is me; that I am so open and wear my heart on my sleeve. Maybe that’s true, and maybe one day the letters and the words will merge and I will stop being so prickly.
I learnt a hard lesson yesterday, and today the weather mimics my mood; a cold storm is coming. My head feels like it is full of a cold storm and I’m not doing well at people giving me their helpful advice. “You have a pretty face, you’ll find another one”. It doesn’t really seem like that matters at the moment.
I didn’t tell the truth and I didn’t let a person in who I needed, and for that reason, I lost him. He never did anything other than treat me really well; make me feel really special and made me look forward to seeing him, and all I did was doubt why I deserved it and kept things back that I really should have shared. I met someone who I wanted to talk to all the time, that I spent the whole week looking forward to seeing and that I just couldn’t be cross with. Someone that had so much going on independently yet I didn’t resent; football at 8.30 on a Sunday morning? No problem, I was just glad he fit in the time with me. It was all a massive surprise to me, something I didn’t get bored with or resent for taking up my precious time. I have never been so excited to see a person, or sit up talking with them until the sun came up and not be cross that I had to cancel plans for the following night because I was tired. But of course, I didn’t say that and when they say “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone” they really are right. By not appreciating someone and by thinking them the same as all the others, I didn’t see what was right in front of my face. Every time I told him something that was hard for me to say he never reacted with anything other than a big hug and an understanding smile, yet I still couldn’t say what I needed to. Don’t get me wrong, there were occasions when he took my hand and smiled at me and the words were right there on the tip of my tongue, but I didn’t want to do anything to ruin it. Which, ultimately, ruined it.
And it’s not as simple as my family’s opinion. “Ah love, you just have to explain and ask for a second chance. I’m sure he will understand”. That was the hardest thing I ever did. I didn’t expect him to change his mind, but I sat down and told the truth, and it felt liberating. I only wish I had done it sooner. It might have changed the outcome.
I’m not going to feel sorry for myself for long. it’s not me. I just wish that with all the medicines out there on the market, there was one that would fix a bruised heart, or let you sleep until the pain went away a bit. Maybe I can patent it. Last night I went out and realised another lesson, wine is not my friend. I came home, got in my bed and snuggled up, not sleeping a wink. This morning it still hurts, but so does my head. Thanks, Sauvignon Blanc!
So today I will paint on my bravest face and go about my weekend. If you look at me you won’t see the emotion that hides behind the mask, and if you see a brief flicker of something that seems like sadness, you will see it pass so quickly that you might think you imagined it or mistake it for something else. But it’s there, and when I’m by myself it will appear again.
“When people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you and it doesn’t mean they are bad people, it just means that their part in your story is over.” Thanks Sam, for those few words that made me feel a little better.
Normal service will resume soon, you know me, I’m fine…. But if you don’t hear from me for a few days, I’m just working on being OK.
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