I’m writing this from behind the battle lines. The worst has happened. I’m under attack. Approximately half an hour ago, or BS as I like to call it, my world was calm and I was having a quiet night in. I got off my bed, and looked around for my face wipes, when a shadow crossed my bed. And BS (before spider) was no more.
Christ. What the hell am I going to do? The housemates are all out and my room is so small that you are either on the bed or in the hall, so not much sleeping will be done while its there. Fight or flight. Its me or it. I thought.
Then the adrenaline kicked in. I
tied a scarf around my head manned up, and with the lightning speed of a ninja I moved the duvet to find it. I had lost visual. It was probably communicating over the spider walkie talkie with the rest of its posse and, sensing my weakness, advancing. SHIT.
Then I saw it again. I deftly moved to find something to trap it in, and came back with nothing. Why had I chosen today to tidy my otherwise messy room? There was ALWAYS a glass lying around!! I grabbed the lid off a bottle of hairspray and stuck it over the spider. Now what, wise ass?!! I couldnt move the hand that was over the lid for fear that the Hulk Spider might break free, but at the same time I couldnt sit there all night holding a lid on a massive spider that kept waving at me either. With my spare hand I grabbed my wallet and extracted a cashpoint card. I’ve made the mistake of slipping a flimsy piece of paper under before and getting the spider on me (worst nightmare) so I knew to go for something made of sturdier stuff.
AS (after spider). Im now sitting on my bed with my back against the wall, suspiciously eyeing down the side of the bed in case its compadres lie in wait. I’ve shuddered non stop for about five minutes, had a little cry over what to do now, and sent my sister a picture message. I’ve doubled cupped it, by putting a tea mug over the lid so in the eventuality that it has a surge of energy, it is still trapped.
In this time, I feel I have learnt some stuff about myself. I either need to get a boyfriend to deal with anything that has more that four legs on my behalf (Tom Hardy, if you are reading, the job is yours for the taking) or I need to make friends with the neighbour. Although I am in my PJs, and my clothes are on the other side of enemy lines, so I would have to face the embarrassment of going out in my nightwear.
I’ve falsely identified a few of its friends, only to realise that it is actually dots of fluff from my super fluffy black jumper that have merged together in spder shapes, and now I don’t really know what to do. I’m sensing that this is the calm before the storm of a Spider Attack, and all I can do is sit in wait and rock slowly from side to side.
Pray for my survival, and lets hope it doesn’t break free in the night, crawl up my nose and eat my brains.