My Wardrobe Has S.A.D

16 Aug

In the spirit of starting in a new office and the idea that you have the chance to reinvent yourself, I have been addressing the current state of my wardrobe, and I assure you that it’s not a pretty sight. If you can imagine a bomb going off in TK Maxx or Primark, then you are probably 90% of the way towards understanding the turmoil of the cupboard. The mantra is, if you can throw it in and shut the door in time to stop everything falling out, then you are cooking on gas.

Not my actual wardrobe.. but if I ever own a dressing gown like that, please somebody shoot me. Immediately.

The first step of this process was to actually sort out what I have in there in the first place. My bedroom is on the ground floor and has limited space, but I have a bathroom a floor up with ceiling to floor wardrobes, stuffed full of clothes. The problem is that I am too lazy in the morning, so have a back up chest of drawers that contain 10% of my wardrobe (call it ‘capsule’ if you will, I think that’s a word that fashonistas and organised people use) and tend to wear the same things every week, leaving me without a clue as to what is lurking behind the mysterious wardrobe doors.

I started a banshee like clear out, throwing everything into the room, and hanging and tidying for what felt like days, until it resembled a well organised shop offering a vast selection of wares in length order, with shoes nestled under the shortest stuff.

This threw up a new problem. It turns out that my sister is right, and all I wear is black, navy, coral, or a combination with some polka dots thrown in for good measure. Christ. My wardrobe has seasonal affective disorder. And fashion (and shopping) are not my forte’s.

I WISH.

So I went shopping with a more fashion forward friend, and tried on a gorgeous dress, which I bought. The problem is, that it came with a net skirt, and while deliberating it in the changing room I nearly caused a woman to suffer death by choking when I innocently asked my friend “but does it make me look like I’m harbouring a secret pregnancy scandal?” It apparently didn’t, so I bought it. Now it’s looking very pretty in my cupboard, but when I put it on I talk myself out of wearing it on the basis that I look like a little girl heading off to a birthday party in her finest party dress. Not a good look for a girl whose ‘glam’ look is wearing a pair of (tiny) heels with her jeans and throwing on a blazer for good measure.


And dresses come with so many conundrums, as I found today when shopping with a friend for the summer party we are going to tonight. After she bought a new dress, we headed straight to Marks and Spencer’s for girdle style hold-it-all-in pants, which would go as high as our neck and as far down as our knees, to prevent us from looking like a condoms stuffed with walnuts. It was an interesting experience. I picked up a dress style weapon of torture, dreaming that it would make me look like Gisele on a thin day, and went to try it on.

The reality of it was that I spent 20 minutes in the changing room in diving position with it round my shoulders, wondering how the hell I was going to get it off. I had visions of falling out of the changing room door in nothing but my knickers and a rubber ring of girdle stuck round my neck, for all to see and if I’m honest, the panic set in and I began to believe that I was going to be hampered with this unusual body addition for the rest of my life.

During this low point, I sympathised with the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and had to talk myself off the ledge of thinking I was going to be ostracised by society. I did eventually get it off (after sweating about a stone of weight off) and managed to give myself a nosebleed in the process.

If that’s fashion, then I will put my pyjamas on and politely decline!

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27 Responses to “My Wardrobe Has S.A.D”

  1. Kats Whispers August 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

    Ha ha. Glad it’s not just me that suffers from an overstuffed wardrobe. I have two plus several drawers of clothes and countless shoes. All in desperate need of a good sort out.

    is there some secret to dressing for work and looking fab? (If it’s getting up at 4 am then I am out) I’m a little fed up of cycling the same old combination of black, grey and red.

    Oh, the ultimate slimming pant/sausage skin underwear make the problem worse I think. I had slimming pants and a strapless bra combo on but it gave me a very odd back muffin look which I never had without. So long as you buy for your size you should never really need these torture devices…

    x

  2. riatarded August 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

    I don’t know about dresses but I have just the thing for you! :P

    My friend at ohwowyouworethat.com is giving away a Vegan Leather Handbag, so you do good while staying fabulous! :D

    http://riatarded.wordpress.com/2012/08/16/pixie-licious-giveaway/ The bag is really gorgeous and the quality is awesome! He is shipping internationally! I wouldn’t have left this comment if you hadn’t done this post! Good luck x :)

    • tinkerbelle86 August 16, 2012 at 2:10 pm #

      isnt vegan leather a bit of an oxymoron?

      • riatarded August 16, 2012 at 2:10 pm #

        hahah true! Ah well! no animal leather and still awesome!

  3. Danthonia August 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

    It’s good to see you back. I needed a chuckle. Sadly I have no door on the wardrobe, just a large curtain. Anything that falls to the floor immediately gets snaffled as a dog bed. Now that I’m losing weight, it’s getting harder to teach without my pants falling off. I’ll be up to wearing braces and a blazer with suede patches on the elbows soon. Perhaps I need to go shopping again.

    • tinkerbelle86 August 19, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

      Well if you ever need a shopping buddy, don’t ask me. I’m terrible!

  4. Rayme Wells @ A Clean Surface August 16, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    I know exactly what you mean about thinking you may be trapped in a garment forever…why is it that some things go on relatively easily and then refuse to come back off? I had trouble with a zipper just yesterday and I thought I would need to go out of the room and ask the attendant for help.
    I don’t believe in using the sort of shapewear you describe — there are dresses that will flatter every type of body and one needs only to find the design that works for you instead of buying a dress that doesn’t and then buying even more items trying to adapt your body to the dress. The dress should adapt to YOU. I have noticed that stiffer fabrics go a long way toward hiding any bumps. Avoid thin fabric unless it has a pattern that distracts from shape.

  5. SprinklinThoughts August 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

    Well, being a guy I’m not into fashion or shopping – but I enjoyed reading… :-) light & well-written, I think.

  6. C August 16, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    Oh lord, I almost fell off the couch laughing when it came to the girdle.

  7. Hair Word August 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm #

    Love the wardrobe image! If life was that perfect. We can all wish for that!
    Greart Post :-)

  8. prenin August 16, 2012 at 9:12 pm #

    I know what you mean hun! :(

    I have a wardrobe full of clothes too small to wear until I get down to 98Kg and drawers full of new stuff I have yet to wear!!! :)

    Hope you get sorted out my love! :)

    God Bless!

    Prenin.

  9. Sandra Bell Kirchman August 17, 2012 at 12:33 am #

    ROFL – you had me at the title. I truly related to the girdle episode, having been caught in exactly that position! Panic is not the word for the state I found myself in. I thought I was going to suffocate and tortured myself by imagining various headlines of my demise and the method thereof. “Shopper Strangled by Garment While Trying on New Girdle” was one of the less lurid ones. But hey, we manage to survive somehow, right?

  10. Kimberly August 17, 2012 at 2:05 am #

    Thanks for stopping by! I’m no Amelda Marcos, but I do organize my clothing by color. It’s just my closet is not like your “I wish” photo exactly.

    I believe the people who make these knickers are the same ones who used to manufacture the old institutional straight jackets, and that now that folks with mental challenges are mainstream, and the jackets have fallen out of use, the makers are taking out their frustrations on the rest of us.

  11. Sam August 17, 2012 at 2:34 pm #

    If we ever go shopping together we have a problem! I once had a similar experience with a dress around my head. I lost my bra in a change room once as well… Only to find it hanging off one of the dresses I tried on – which was now hanging back on display.

    Retrieving it was cringe worthy. lesson learnt though: never hand clothes to the assistant over the door until all yours are back on your body!

    • tinkerbelle86 August 19, 2012 at 10:13 pm #

      Ouch!! – sympathetic, knowing ouch, as opposed to a laugh out loud that there’s someone like me ouch. Obvs ;)

  12. Marvin the Martian August 18, 2012 at 4:49 am #

    There’s much to be said for loose-fitting air force jumpsuits with lots of pockets. And boots.

  13. The Byronic Man August 18, 2012 at 5:53 pm #

    I’m in the midst of a wardrobe purge. It could get ugly.

    • tinkerbelle86 August 18, 2012 at 5:57 pm #

      My thoughts are with you through this difficult time

  14. Go Jules Go August 19, 2012 at 3:13 pm #

    Oooh I was reading this JUST before I was about to do my own closet purge! My closet is definitely starting to look like that first picture.

    And please tell me you’re not serious about the nosebleed?! Oh, I swear I’m laughing with you. The ‘condom stuffed with walnuts’ line really got me. And I’ve always considered you a fashionista!

    • tinkerbelle86 August 19, 2012 at 10:12 pm #

      Sadly (as in utter devastation at my lack of poise) this one, like all the others, is true. You really couldn’t make this shit up.

  15. Redneckprincess August 19, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    Girlfriend…the only thing I own are jeans and tshirts. When its time for me to look for a new job I am screwed. I did just clean my closet out though :) Been missing ya!!!

  16. Richard Wiseman August 20, 2012 at 3:16 pm #

    Too funny! Still doing my ‘Mutley’ chuckle as I type this. Hmmm I have the opposite problem. I have some fabulous suits, shirts and waistcoats from my professional job days and no clothes suitable for the manual work I know do from time to time. I turned up to a cleaning job in black thin gold pinstriped casual trousers, oldest ones, and an old black polo neck sweater. I almost expected the office manager to say ‘I asked the temp agency for a cleaner not an existentialist philosopher’, but learned as the day wore on that existentialist was a word that the office manager wouldn’t know and if I’d said it she’d think I was offering to convert her loft. As usual Tink very funny post!

    • Richard Wiseman August 20, 2012 at 3:18 pm #

      Sorry for typo, that should be ‘now do’ not ‘know do’. It’s time for a coffee I think. Yup 4pm and getting fumble fingers on the keyboard, Better check my last two hundred words on previous writing session!

  17. Don't Quote Lily August 21, 2012 at 1:46 pm #

    This was hilarious. Although I am sorry about the nosebleed. I understand your feelings about shopping. Glad I’m not the only one who’s freaked out about possibly being stuck in a blouse forever.

    The picture of the dream closet, oh my…I started at it for a good 2 minutes. Does anyone’s closet look like that? :(

    • tinkerbelle86 August 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

      I think Kim Kardashian’s might, but she probably has a Lord of Wardrobe Organisation to help.

  18. susielindau August 21, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

    Time to go shopping is right!
    My closet will never look like that one… :)

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