Forgive Me, For I Am A Cross Dresser

13 Feb

I mean it.

F*!@ng cross.

I hate shopping. I know we have discussed this before, but I feel the need to cover old ground with this one. I HATE SHOPPING. It comes at you with alarming force (and for all those people who just happen to have a ‘spare’ outfit in the cupboard for the surprise event, I’m not a bit fan of yours right now either) suddenly you need a dress for something you have to go to this weekend, or your bra strap breaks and you have to make a non scheduled Victoria Secret stop, or your sister throws up on your boots…. it’s all the same. Sprung from nowhere like Robin Hood in the forest, you have to go.

Not THAT sort of cross dresser.....

Not THAT sort of cross dresser…..

Firstly, I’m a fan of online. Browsing through virtual shelves of sumptuous fabrics and delicately made garments is my joy de vivre. No being ram raided by some glamazon who is coveting that last size 10 you are halfheartedly looking at, or being asked every two minutes by the shop attendant if you “need any help at all?” (the answer being yes! Mental help if I have to carry on doing this) But it carries with it its limitations, in that you can’t be totally sure you havent accidently bought lycra unawares, or that you wont look like a doughnut trying to force itself into a test tube when you try it on.

Shops get the better of me. And so do playsuits. My best friend laughs at me for constantly picking up playsuits masquerading as dresses, and once I tried one on and managed to get both legs through one leg hole, before enquiring what the funny bit of fabric was and being hilariously informed by the dying shop assistant and my friend that that was in fact the other leg. Foiled by a playsuit once again!!

Secondly, I hate changing rooms. They either make you look like Halle Berry; all sinewy arms and washboard stomachs so that you purchase the item, get it home and model it for your sister who, once composed, recommends you take it back. This happens far too regularly. Or, you take your clothes off, look at yourself in the mirror in your underwear and are overcome by a sudden sense of horror. A combination of the oh-so alarming lighting and the circus house of mirrors cause a sob to rise in your throat while you speed dial your mother and beg “AM I THE ELEPHANT MAN IN DENIM??”

"The shopping is done, biiiiiitches!"

“The shopping is done, biiiiiitches!”

To make the whole thing worse. in London it doesn’t matter what day of the week or hour of the day you go, everyone else is there. Its like everyone has a pager, and as soon as I get the idea that I can’t put it off any longer and I simply must go shopping, the beeper goes off and everyone in the world springs from their sofas, puts on their shoes and hot foots it to Stratford, where I am innocently getting off the Tube, prepared to give this shopping lark that girls seem to love one more go.

Love it or hate it?

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12 Responses to “Forgive Me, For I Am A Cross Dresser”

  1. joeyfullystated February 13, 2013 at 4:11 pm #

    Hate shopping. Hate.

  2. susielindau February 13, 2013 at 4:13 pm #

    I have to be in the mood. Some of the shops have easy returns so I buy and try on at home!

  3. prenin February 14, 2013 at 6:58 am #

    I HATE shopping!!! :(

    Believe me I feel for you! :)

    I go to a gents outfitters near my home to augment my Primark collection of T shirts and tracksuit bottoms.

    I have drawers full of clothes that are unworn and still labelled, but which ‘one day’ I will fit once again.

    Another good reason to stick to my diet… :)

    Love and squishy hugs!]

    Prenin.

  4. Rayme Wells @ A Clean Surface February 14, 2013 at 10:14 pm #

    Love. Most of the time. I don’t know what sort dressing rooms you are in, but the ones I am in have evil lighting that makes me look terrible, all gray skinned…and yet I still love it.

  5. e1aine February 15, 2013 at 10:31 am #

    I love shopping. I have all the same horrors as you, but truely believe that there is an outfit out there that I will look good in – and some day I’ll find it.

    London is a terrible place to shop though.

  6. Richard L Wiseman February 17, 2013 at 5:52 pm #

    I don’t ‘hate’ shopping, but then I only shop twice a year; my wife’s birthday and my wife’s Christmas presents. I don’t usually handle money either, which I do hate. Shopping for me is a chore, like washing up or vacuuming; has to be done, though less frequently than the other two. My wife does all the shopping and whilst she’s out I look after the kids, which to me is way more fun than shopping. My wife likes shopping so it’s a happy trade off.

  7. Garrett McKenna February 20, 2013 at 1:46 pm #

    I hear you, sister! I HATE shopping! If it takes me more than 5 minutes to find what I need then I get all “huffy” and find the need to run out of the store, lest I risk going crazy!

    I actually set my alarm early to get to the stores as soon as they open, to avoid as many other shoppers as possible!

    • tinkerbelle86 March 18, 2013 at 12:35 pm #

      Me too, and I cant stand jumble sale shops like TK Maxx and Primark. Strongly dislike

  8. Lunar Euphoria February 24, 2013 at 12:52 am #

    I hate shopping. I hate wearing anything other than pjs frankly.

  9. eugeniofouz March 10, 2013 at 10:33 am #

    Missing your blogging and tweeting

  10. Audrey March 12, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

    I’m with you, online shopping is a veritable wonderland – no stress, no parking, no rush hour, no crowds. It’s blissful! Whereas shopping in stores is a compound nightmare for all the reasons you listed. Loved your take on it all!

    • tinkerbelle86 March 18, 2013 at 12:36 pm #

      Oh God I didnt even cover parking, that moment of joy when you realise you found a space and then… GODDAMIT! A MOTORBIKE!!!

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