Getting a Handle on Adulthood

1 Jul

A few weeks ago I came across a new blog to love, Aussa Lorens. I giggled and pulled shocked faces while reading her posts, and then laughed out loud when I came across a post titled I Just Can’t, which inspired this post. Take the time to check it out, it will brighten your day.

Sometimes when driving I get an attack of  “What the hell am I doing!?” thoughts, and suddenly realise that age is advancing like wild horses, and there really isn’t anything I can do about it. But there are quite a lot of things that I do that make me realise that however many sprouting grey hairs that offend me while peering in the mirror, I really haven’t got my shit together.

I just can’t…

1# Relax during a massage.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a massage, unlike my sister who (direct quote) “doesn’t like people touching” her. I love the whole build-up of going along and thinking how amazingly relaxing its going to be, and how my stresses will be wiped away with the simple touch of a trained set of hands and a splash of funky smelling essential oil, but does it ever happen like that? Nope.

I cannot chill out. when the masseuse says “just breathe deeply and relax” I tense up. I find the repeat in the panpipes music and start humming along, or I worry I might fall asleep and dribble, or I worry I might fart. All in all, not a relaxing experience. Which leads seamlessly into..

massage

#2 Yoga

If you thought the massage was bad, yoga is a massage on crack. You’re surrounded by a whole host of yoga type women who really get it, can strike a tree pose without getting the giggles, wobbling and falling over, and when it comes to clearing their mind and relaxing at the end, you know they are meditating for sure, and not worrying about the sell by dates of items in the fridge and where they put that Tupperware from lunch last week.

yoga

#3 Go through security or get ID’d without feeling nervous.

I must have a really deep seated problem or been part of Al Quada in a former life, but whenever I go through the customs part of airport security at the exit end, or get ID’d in a bar, I feel nervous. I get sweaty and I feel panicked, for absolutely no reason at all. I am so far past the legal age for drinking that I can’t even remember it, and I have a valid passport and no activity to feel at all guilty for. However this still happens. I’m kind of twitchy, and weird.

4# Wear lip makeup without pulling a funny face

The stickier it is, the worse my face is. Lipstick makes my lips feel dry, and anything glossy and sticky makes me inadvertently smack my lips together, like a fish out of water. It’s not a good look, or very classy.

woman-lipstick-teeth

5# Go to sleep without checking under the bed

This is a new one, but a year (yes, a year) ago, the boy and I watched the whole of Luther from start to finish (it’s a really good detective series in the UK, with Idris Elba). Anyway, horror or suspense things don’t really bother me, however there was this one episode where a killer snuck into these girls house and hid under the bed for hours before killing them all in their sleep. So now I check under the bed, unless its in my flat where I know that its stuffed so full of winter clothes and duvets that no one is getting in there. You know, JUST IN CASE.

What can’t you get to grips with?

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4 Responses to “Getting a Handle on Adulthood”

  1. prenin July 1, 2014 at 4:57 pm #

    Hmmmm…. I have trouble with being out in the open as I feel like a walking target for every maladjusted teenager in the area due to some pretty bad experiences which included death threats hurled at me in the street, getting held at knife point and even gun point on one occasion! :(

    Nobody can hide under my bed unless they are an inch thick so I don’t have to worry about that! :)

    Love and hugs my friend!!! :)

    Prenin.

  2. Paul July 1, 2014 at 5:55 pm #

    Funny post TB. Thank you.

  3. Aussa Lorens July 2, 2014 at 11:52 am #

    Haha! Oh my gosh, so many things to say. First off– The Boyfran and I have been watching Luther, just finished the second season. It’s so good! But pretty damn disturbing.

    I feel you on the massage– and I love them. I’m getting an hour deep tissue massage soon and I hope I can do something the entire time other than think “you’re supposed to be relaxing, the clock is ticking!”

  4. Jess Witkins July 6, 2014 at 11:37 pm #

    I’m definitely with you on 2 and 3. I did yoga once and I liked it, but I was kinda bad at it. I look at everyone else, who seemingly are all more flexible and balanced than I, and I’m worried I look funny or ridiculous.

    And I’m always sure I’m going to set the metal detector off and that my bag is going to be pulled aside and ransacked. LOL. Le sigh.

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