And it made me think about brides, bridesmaids, mother of the brides, bridezillas and general crazy people. I know it must be dreadfully exciting to have all that organising to do; lists to make, food to taste, dresses to try…. But something about having a ring on your finger seems to make women go, well, insane.

A few people I know are in the process of getting married, and I have to say that an early observation is that it makes at least one member of the bridal party completely mental. Let’s call it wedding fever, and if you haven’t seen the film Bridesmaids then I would. Its brilliant and I can assure you that the majority of it is completely true.

One bride to be that I am friends with is very sane, yet commented to me about the mental-ness of her loved ones. One bridesmaid tried on her dress, threw a strop about the fatness of her arms and went home, refusing to do any more. Another’s mother has taken it on herself to feel like she is in control of the entire wedding and when the bride to be commented about not wanting wedding favours (who ACTUALLY EATS sugared almonds anyway?) she was told “oh but love you have to, its tradition!”.

Emma’s sister is getting married in the summer, and recently Emma joined her at a wedding fayre up in London, packed full of dresses and shoes and flowers and all the other things that brides waste an enormous amount of their dad’s money on for one day. I got a text message at about eleven simply saying:

“This is hell. It’s like being a battery chicken. They are ALL. MENTAL” the next one requested that when one of us got married we forgo the wedding fayre, choosing to go to a pub and sit in a beer garden drinking cider. Sounds right up my street really. Another friend of mine attended the same show so I thought I would ask her about it from a bridal point of view. Her response was pretty similar. She said it was ridiculously hot and at one point a woman came up to her asking if she was going to buy the dress she had in her hand, adopting a rabid look and taking it from her when the answer was no.

The truth is, all us girls love a good bridal programme. If you read Vix’s latest post on Don’t Tell the Bride, you will know that it’s a bit of a craze here in the UK. Throw in a bit of Four Weddings (a soul destroying yet addictive show where brides score other brides weddings to win a honeymoon) and a recent one I found on one of our new channels (after balancing the aerial on the clothes horse to get signal for the TV, we eventually got a boy round who fiddled with it and we now have eight channels. Result!) called Bridezilla, we are saturated with it. My last find was so mental that for a good deal of time I perched on the end of the sofa repeating “I just don’t know what they are saying!” they were deep American and really het up about something, but all I could make out was restraining order, body con dress, and “Aooohw noe she did-dunt!”

It seems there is only one cure for this, menfolk. If you are going to propose, make sure that there is very little time between this and the actual wedding date, so that your fiancées mad fever cannot take over. Or alternatively, take yourself down the pub and wait till it is over.

I have no propensity to talk about the weirdness of the male species from their point of view. I am one of two girls, my cousins are girls (making me girl three) and my boy cousins are teenagers and therefore a whole other sub species of males. They don’t wash, they show their love for us by punching us and whipping us with tennis balls in socks and talking to them is like having a deep and meaningful with either Beavis or Butthead.

I can however, talk about girls, and the delicate intricacies of our personalities. We all fall into buckets, you see. And I could try to describe all of them, but there’s no point, as Sharideth Smith has done a far better job than I ever could at the Glossary of Girls

She Peaked in High School

You know who I mean.  She’s in her mid to late 20′s and still campaigning for prom queen.  she may never be more than she is and her life plan is to be Mrs. dr. somebody.  The height of her success will be chairing the women’s axillary at the country club.  that’s the super prom queen win.

The upside to this one is that she is not a gold digger.  She will tend to be simple and loyal.

Miss Insecurity

This is the beautiful girl who has no sense of self-worth.  She puts herself down, refuses to take a compliment and asks questions like “why do you like me?”  She needs constant reassurance and may have trust issues.  However, there is hope for this one.  If you see moments of fierceness poking through the fear clouds, she may be able to learn to stiffen her spine and become “a keeper”.

The Cling-on

This girl is so needy she can’t function without you.  That’s an ego stroke on the front end but exhausting shortly there after.  She has to know where you are and be able to get in touch with you at all times.  Blowing up your cell phone during your guy’s night is just the beginning.  At first she will seem normal but she will quickly dump all her friends and activities to be attached to you 24/7.  And oh yes, she will expect the same from you.

Upside to this one?  Just like Miss Insecurity, she may be able to learn to chill out and gain some confidence.

The Princess

She is the Sears Tower of high maintenance.  It’s her way, all day, everyday.  according to Dr. Phil, and I quote, “She’s not a wife, she’s a job.”  You’ll spend your whole life catering to her.  She is the epicenter of self-absorption.  If she gets annoyed, and she will, a lot, you’d better be ready with the jewelry.  She would never pick up a newspaper but has an encyclopedic knowledge of teeth whiteners.

Positives?  I can’t think of one.  Unless you’re into vapid and spending all your money.

Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong

This one can be sneaky.  She will lure you in by making you believe she’s fun and outgoing.  Next thing you know, you’re insecure and a shell of your former self.  She will criticize everything you do in a way that makes you think she’s right.  She wields a passive-aggressive sword with all the finesse of Picasso.  You are cleanly sliced in two before you ever see the blow.  Being right all the time and making you understand how right she is, is her drug of choice.

Positives?  Her respect can be earned.  You just have to pick your battles.  Man up and learn to say no.

Itsneverenough Girl

Nothing you do, provide, accomplish will ever be enough for this one.  Reaching the bar will never happen because she will always raise it.  It’s highly likely that when she’s in a good mood, she’s the life of the party.  But when the party’s over, she’s going to give you the laundry list of everything you did wrong that she’s been tallying all night long.  She is always on the verge of fury, will emasculate you and use sex as a weapon.  No matter what you do, it will never be enough and she may even tell you so directly.

The only hope for this one is a personality transplant or Prozac.

The Runner

This girl is not for the faint of heart.  chances are good that she has some legitimate trust issues that have been more inflicted upon her than acquired.  Once you start to get too close, she bolts.  But she’s strong and probably very caring and intelligent.  She’s just afraid and will put you through the wringer before granting you even the smallest trace of faith.  However, she is very likely worth it.

The Keeper

This girl doesn’t need you but just prefers to have you along.  She’s comfortable around your friends and family.  unless of course, you friends are schmucks or your family is a cesspool of dysfunction.  She knows who she is and likes herself.  she loves being with you but is also happy having her own friends and independence.  This is a girl who, if you dropped dead, would survive because she’s that strong.  She likes her life but would rather have you in it.  she’s your equal.  She challenges you and makes you want to be a better man.  You’ll be waiting to see what she says next.

It’s funny because, of course, its true. I think most of us see a little of ourselves in one or other of these categories.

But this is not the point of my post. My point is, why do people say one thing and totally mean another? My friends have been through the ringer a little bit recently with men saying one thing and meaning another. One man asked a friend to take the day off so they could spend some time together and then cancelled at 4pm. Pretty much once her working day was done anyway. Another has been messed around by a guy who keeps saying he wants to see her and cancelling, and then has decided actually he doesn’t want to see her at all. And girls do it too. Don’t say you are interested in someone, let them buy you dinner and then not reply to an invitation for days. And don’t use “something came up”.

I think the whole point that I am trying to make is that when your mum told you as a child that honesty was the best policy, she was right. The truth may hurt, but it’s a damn sight better than giving someone the benefit of the doubt and then finding that they didn’t mean what you were putting your faith in in the first place. And I think that whether you are male or female, when you meet the right person they will say what they mean and mean what they say. And they will take you for who you are. They wont listen to people talking about who you used to be and they will go with the flow. Because when its right it will be easy. So hold your head high!

Don’t forget to keep following on facebook and twitter!

(its his voice that is attractive, goddamit )

His voice is amazing, he is too hot to directly look at and after getting hooked on The Voice when I was in California this year, it’s a love affair that won’t be extinguished any time soon. Plus, I have a teeny tiny thing for tattoos, and he has lots. But anyway, I digress.

Their new song, Moves Like Jagger, is stuck on a permanent loop in my head, and after out weekend dance off with some boys in a club, it got me thinking.

There is something really magnetic about a man that can dance. From Mick Jagger to the guys that break-dance in Universal City in LA, a guy with moves is really appealing. I wonder why that is?

They don’t even need to dance that well. We spent Saturday night laughing at four boys who claimed to have got their moves from their dads, and whose best ammunition in a dance off was  gearing up for a leg dance, and some sort of odd Bee Gees move where I nearly got elbowed in the face.

But it’s all about trying right? And being able to laugh at yourself! The most fun I have when out with the girls is when one of them attempts a moonwalk. I remember being out a few years ago and for some reason my friend decided to give us her best lunge, but in stilettos managed to overdo it and ended up having to be picked up from the splits. She thought it was hilarious, we thought it was hilarious, everyone was happy.

Whats your signature dance move?

So I thought I would make a list of celebrities that your mother would definitely not approve of. While listening to S Club Juniors. Goddamn iPod shuffle…..

Sawyer from Lost

My mother would tell me that Sawyer from Lost was a bad penny. She would say that he was best avoided, as he was a bad boy, and she would probably be right. And that’s why we like him, right girls?

Tara Reid

Come on guys, you must agree with your mummy on this one. Botched boob job, lilo lips and the worst fake tan in history? She’s the kind of plus one that would make your dad ask “why would you do that to your mother?!”

Angel from Buffy

Surely this is obvious. He is dead. My mother is tolerant, but I think that might be pushing it.

Sarah Palin

Slightly embarrassing dinner table conversations as you do your best to cough over her extreme opinions on a multitude of topics.

George Clooney

(but Muuuuuu-uuuum!)

It’s hard for me to bad mouth the silver fox, but I’m sure mothers all over the world would agree. Right, he is gorgeous and probably a nice man, but his track record isn’t doing him any favours. Although I see he is single again (shocker) so form an orderly queue.

Hannah (Belle du Jour) from Secret Diary of a Call Girl

Nice enough girl by day. Bit too much eyeliner for le jour, but we can forgive her. It could all go really well, until your dad asks her innocently what she does for a job. Call girl. End of conversation. Awkward.

Snoop Dogg

The ‘dee oh double gee’ would not be welcome for dinner at my mums. For one, she wouldn’t understand him due to his desperate need to add ‘izzle’ on the end of everything, and the pot smoking might be an issue too.

Have I missed any good ones?!

Hi XXX
I really like your profile, but guessing I’m not going to be alone! So I had better get on with a witty and engaging email, he says! Anyway, have you had a good weekend?

I’ve just returned from holiday this afternoon and planned on replying to an anticipated flood of messages. Thirty messages at least I told myself. Total actually received was slightly less. The only saving grace was that one of the messages was undoubtedly the funniest thing I have ever read. In fact is was so good, I have to share it:

Hi, My name is Agrippa which means wild horse. I am writing you because your profile has taken me. You photo has amusent me too much I cry. Please sure to write back. I hope you to be rich man to appreciate me so i not work. Today in shop I was fisted by a costumer. I don’t want to be back tomorrow. Ciao Xxxx

Have you received anything that strange from a male version of Agrippa? I am still trying to work out the best way to respond. “your photo has amusent me too much I cry” and “fisted by a costumer”? In fact, I should probably pass the email on to the police. However, I have to be honest and say I’m secretly hoping that there are many more Agrippa’s out there who can entertain me with tales of their work and the literal meanings of their names. I think mine translates as “John in Irish”, slightly dull.

So do you have any nice plans for the upcoming week? I’m gearing up to throw a bit of a dinner party (not just a ‘gathering’) for friends tomorrow evening. My housemate suggested it on the back of the fact I have also decided to bite the bullet and apply to appear on come dine with me (only because I want to meet the clever narrator and shake his hand really!). I thought cooking dinner for 6 would be straight forward but it turns out the M&S gastro range of ready meals will not suffice. So I will be attempting everything from scratch, which is a recipe for disaster. Have you got a decent recipe for Creme Brulee? I am also in great need of a blow torch!

‘Ronan’

Hi XXX,
I’m pleased you enjoyed the email. Agrippa is genuinely 1 in a million, although I fear a padded cell may be much closer than she thinks!! In reality she is probably a 45 year old Metallica fan who spends HIS days programming computers or a Nigerian man from Lagos who wants a British passport.

In answer to your question, I was on hols in Portugal. A week away with some of the guys for golf (seven rounds was a tad excessive), barbecues and beer. Not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow!! How about you, do you have any nice holidays planned? I’m already thinking about the next one!

Anyway, I wanted to give you an update on my dinner party, which produced mixed results. The starter was fine but the menu unravelled at my main course. Apparently, the recipe had called for three cloves of garlic but I interpreted (miss-interpreted) that as three bulbs of garlic. Never mind, at least I now know the difference between a bulb and a clove! Should really have called my mum, but that would have been cheating. I may now have to withdraw my come dine with me application. However, it turned out that the garlic episode was only the beginning of a Sunday evening that saw me being reunited with tequila. The result was a dance off with a chap from Bangladesh. Apparently I lost, but not sure I believe that!! I’m also told that I was booed by a small surrounding audience. The shame.
To be honest, I can’t believe that people from Bangladesh are such good dancers! I didn’t think they had access to MC Hammer, but obviously I was badly wrong, and consequently I’m now actually thinking of investing in a 2 week summer trip to Bangladesh on the back of this! I hear a Bangladeshi dance master resides deep in the jungle. He can teach me the ways of the Bangladeshi dance off. Rumour has it that he wears nothing but Speedos, whilst arming himself with orange glow sticks. Just kidding, but I am keen for a rematch!

Well I hope you have nice plans for the rest of the week.

‘Ronan’ x

Pure gold. Its the gift that just keeps giving.

Sort of like this blog really!

So I thought that I would shake it up. Kinda like a show and tell. Lets all get involved, I’ll go first.

So todays topic is ‘weak at the knees’. This particular mind dump was brought about by my housemate coming home last night (I will not reveal which one) and telling me about a guy at work. “When he looked at me I went weak at the knees!” she said.

Weak at the knees. There is no dictionary definition for this, and every girl gets it different. Do guys get it? Input please men. But thanks to feminism, global warming and rising oil costs, it’s not something you see very often. All I know is that ‘weak at the knees’ situations often mean you are doomed.

I can document four occasions where I have actually gone weak at the knees. And im not your fainting, easily won over kind of girl. So here goes. Names have been changed (no, really?!) as I think at least one of the cases have stumbled across my blog before, citing me to be a ‘grumpy old man’. Nice.

Case 1 – The Waffle.

I worked in a pub. I thought I had met all the people I would be on shifts with, until day seven. I had heard the waffle talked about, but that day I was merrily putting away glasses, when I heard someone come up and introduce themselves. I turned, and dropped two perfectly good glasses (sadly this isn’t a joke and I got the typical jeering from the punters). Boom. Weak at the knees. I had met the waffle. Needless to say we went out for a few months; working shifts, getting takeaways, watching DVDs, talking on the net when he was back in his homeland. I was slightly addicted to the haunted musician thing, and he broke my heart. A little. He pops up every now and again, and I still slightly adore him, in a i-know-i-am-crazy-girls-LEAVE-ME-ALONE!!! Way.

Case 2 – The Shoe Stealer.

The shoe stealer, half Spanish, half Portuguese, all douchebag. I met him on the first day at a new job and he said “wow, a normal one, thank god. Want a coffee?” boom. Weak at the knees. He was a total arse, and I was living with my ex at the time, so we existed in a sort of ill listen to your stories and think you are an idiot, and give you a girl opinion way, all the while being weak at the knees. I left the job, we stayed friends, and then when I split up with my ex we went out a few times, he stole my shoes, I haven’t seen him since, blah blah blah. In fact me and Emma saw him on the high street the other day and she commented how desperate he was not to look in our direction. “He was really interested in what was going on in Starbucks, wasn’t he?!”

Case 3 –Surfer Dude

Not much to say on this one. we went to California and my aunt booked us surf lessons. Makeup free and freshly woken we scurried down to the beach and met surfer dude. And he was beautiful. Boom. Weak at the knees. Blonde, surfy, tanned, muscly, hot. It became difficult to say more than “uhhh huhhh” when he asked me anything, and after a while I think he gave up. There is nothing dainty about surfing, and I was concerned about taking my wetsuit off and losing my bikini.

Case 4 – The Lawyer

I’m not going into too much detail on this one. but needless to say any guy who takes it on the chin when you beat him at bowling is a good un. But the moment I went weak at the knees was when he said “I don’t mind but that little girl in the next lane is better than me too, and she is laughing!” Boom. It was a while ago, but every time I talk to Shane I go weak at the knees still. Sometimes it just doesn’t wear off.

Right guys, hit me!!!

And it made me think, what is the best, weirdest or most memorable date that you have ever been on?

Personally, I’ve been on some really great dates with amazing people. Ok so maybe they weren’t amazing people who were right for me, but I have spent time with some funny guys, or interesting men, and people who have shown me new things. I mean, without my date with a guy called Steve a few years ago, I would have never found Souk on Covent Garden; a fantastic little Moroccan restaurant in the heart of London, or learnt the Arabic word for meatballs. The more people you fill your life with, the richer your experiences are.

I went on a great date recently. Date three. I received a text to tell me to not wear heels, and bring a hoodie. I was out of my comfort zone as I am very much a wear heels or flip-flops and not wear a hoodie on a date, but I sucked it up and went along. We had dinner, and then I was handed two golf clubs (apparently it is a heinous crime to call them bats, my bad) and driven to the crazy golf near us, which was locked. I boosted over the fence, and we played an interesting game of crazy golf, only playing the rounds where you could get the ball back. And I won (although if you mention this to him he gets a competitive look in his eye and says I cheated, and of course I didn’t win!) it was really different to your normal go out for a drink, and it was fun (although I did nearly lose a toe as it was dark and I fell over something). There is something to be said about someone who thinks outside the box and plans something interesting to do.

How about you? Whether you are married or single, im sure there is a date that sticks in your mind as being a little out of the ordinary. It might be a good reason or a bad one, but I would love to hear!

I’ve created a monster. Honestly. I’ve been out of the country for three weeks, and when I got back I called her straight away. She then spent the next forty minutes telling me about all the people she has met/talked to, and where she was with each of them. I heard about Dan and Sam, Mike and Paul and their merits and shortcomings, until I was laughing out loud at her comments, “Nope, he had issues. I mean really, I don’t need to know that he is having a crisis of career on the first date!” ,  “We have had some joke banter. I don’t think ill talk to him again. there is only so far you can go with knock knock jokes!” and “Laura he is my soul mate. Guess what he likes? Getting a letter in the post and cups of tea!!” Wow sweetie, you should never let that one go! If you knew my friend you would know that she is perfectly right, this guy does sound like the right match for her.

My favourite comment however was “He looks a bit special, but I think I can work with that. He seems nice.”

Lady, you bring me no end of humour. I am completely surprised at how well she has taken to it, although she did admit to having to dedicate an hour a day to respond to all her admirers. I only wish she had done it sooner, and I hope something good comes out of it. But in her words, all’s well that ends well, as she has a monthly tube ticket, so at least if nothing comes of any of her dates she is getting her money’s worth!

It just reminds me of the saying, “go hard, or go home.” Good luck!!

But I don’t understand why time after time we make excuses and expect them not to do stuff. They are just as normal, intelligent and able as us, so why do people make excuses? This rant has stemmed from news today that the boffins at some university or other have developed the male pill, but fifty four percent of women (yes, that’s over half for those of you who cannot comprehend simple maths) would not trust their fella with taking it, and would rely on other methods of contraception to safeguard themselves.

I sort of understand the sentiment, I mean protecting yourself against an internal gremlin (sorry pregnant people, it’s just my feeling right now. Loulou, I love your gremlin already ) that feeds off you is something that we shouldn’t take lightly, and I suppose it is easier to be safe than sorry, but I’m sure that the vast majority of men don’t want to have a child either.

It seems that in our culture we have this need to ridicule blokes. Has anyone seen Don’t Tell The Bride? For those of you who don’t reside in the UK it’s a programme where the show pays for the wedding, on the basis that the groom organises the whole thing. Picks the dress, shoes, cake, organises hen and stag do, books the venue, sorts all the finishing touches. And the woman is always horribly impressed when it goes right, and says something like “I didn’t think you would do it!!” surely if you didn’t think he would manage to organise the most important day of your life then you shouldn’t have gone on the programme in the first place, but secondly if you don’t have a mutual view, or at least he doesn’t know you a little bit, then you shouldn’t be marrying him? No? Admittedly, I do love it, and it’s hilarious. There was one episode where the guy had proudly booked a church and arranged for a barn owl to fly down the aisle with ring bag in claw, and drop them at the vicar. Turns out the fiancée was terrified of birds, and so was her mum, so there was much ducking and squealing. I secretly thought that he knew that and was punishing her for being such a bitch.

My point with this slightly manic rant is that if women carry on believing that they are far more superior then men will turn into these quivering wrecks with an inability to do anything for themselves. So ladies, if you don’t want to be the girlfriend/wife of a man who sees you as his second mother and is incapable of making a decision and being relied upon, then stop with the attitude!

And then I read an article in Cosmo about how every girl has to kiss a lot of frogs to find her prince; apparently the UK girl’s average is 22 men to kiss, and we will have our heart-broken five times before finding the one. Not to mention that we will be cheated on four times and will meet at least one love online before settling down. If this is the case girls then get some Vaseline, you could be in for a long ride!

Apparently men are more choosy (or if you read the article the way I did then more tragic), as they will have 23 snogs, have their heart broken six times and have ten one night stands.

Goodness gracious me. What a load of guff!!

I don’t believe in Prince Charming; I think Disney have a lot to answer for here. There is no such thing as a perfect person, regardless of who they are and whether you love them, this perfect ideal is imaginary and I think it puts guys on a really bad footing. There are some things that girls should count as deal breakers (one girl I have heard of had to remind her boyfriend to have a shower otherwise he could go for weeks) but I think that love is loving someone despite their weaknesses, and recognising their strengths.

And magazines are not helping us here. We aren’t statistics; we are beautiful women who are strong and confident. I personally do not want to be number 18, or 4, or 9 on a list that someone thinks they should be aiming for; I want to be the girl that you will never forget. So that’s what I’m holding out for. Ideally though he must be able to take a joke and watch Pixar films. Just sayin’!

I’ve read a lot of blogs recently that are holding out for this dream man, the guy that will whisk them off their feet and make their dreams come true. I was telling a friend recently that after a spate of bad relationships (if you could call them that) she should try internet dating. She lives in London and there are loads of eligible bachelors! She said that she would give it a go, but it ruined her dream of “going up the escalator on the tube and catching eyes with a guy going down, and it being love at first sight”. To which I replied “sweetheart, the reality of it is that he would be running late so unable to turn back and you would like a crazy lady if you tried to run down the escalator th wrong way, so ultimately you are going to have to forget that dream.” Sounds harsh, but I swear it is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Daily life / getting in trouble with the boss / guy being married / guy being mental would just totally get in the way.

So my point is ladies, stop dwelling over Mr Right, how you dream you will meet him / how he will look / what he will say. Your imagination is a wonderful thing, but if you built him up too high, he will never reach you.